Is He Out of My League and Just Using Me?

is he using youI recently received a question from a reader who graciously permitted me to publish it here:

I have been on two dates with a guy who is not exactly in my league. He is 47 and an IT engineer, I am 36 and sell cosmetics. He was never married, and lived with his mother all his life (now living alone). Does not have a lot of experience with relationship, his longest relationship was 3 years. Anyway since he has a much better job then me, I consider him to be more accomplished. Would you say that he is out of my league and he is just dating me to enjoy his time with a much younger woman for a while? (PS – We’ve had two dates so far, and he has not kissed or made any romantic move on me yet. Third one is scheduled this Sunday)

Let’s take this step by step:

1. What would really trouble me is that a 47 year old “accomplished” man has been living with his mother until pretty recently. Granted, he might have had a noble reason for doing so, like maybe she was ill or disabled and needed his help at home. If that’s the case then you should do your best to marry this guy asap. If this wasn’t the case then I think you should be at least a little concerned.

Since the day I went off to college and for the next 20 years I lived at home for a grand total of about 2 years (non consecutive), because I absolutely had no other choice. Why a man earning a decent (or not so decent) living would continue to live with his mom just doesn’t make any sense to me. It’s a read flag in my book.

2. You said he doesn’t have a lot of experience with relationships, but then you said that “his longest relationship was 3 years”. Huh? Did he have other relationships that were shorter than 3 years? I’m confused.

3. Most men really don’t care about the type of work that a woman does for a living. They’re much more focused on looks and personality. In fact, I know super successful men in high powered careers who specifically do not want to date equally successful women. I’m not condoning this behavior, but it’s a fact. So the fact that this guy might be making a lot more money than you is irrelevant. He probably either couldn’t care less, or he might actually like your career choice.

4. You said, “Would you say that he is out of my league and he is just dating me to enjoy his time with a much younger woman for a while?” A much younger woman? You’re 36 and he’s 47. In today’s dating scene that’s not an unusual spread. Don’t spend too much energy focusing on the age difference. It’s not that big a deal and it doesn’t really matter, unless it bothers you too much to date him.

If you’re still not sure whether this guy is “using” you, please read this post – How to know if a Guy is Using You

Let me know what you think of my advice.

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