Dating Tip: Why don’t you just ask her out already?

Congratulations, you got lucky and met a great gal! You engaged in some witty verbal exchanges, caught her looking at you a couple of times, and delivered a joke or two that she actually laughed at. You’re feeling pretty good, maybe even excited, and your mind conjures up romantic scenarios set on exotic beaches throughout the short cab ride home. Now what?

just ask her out alreadyIf you were smart, you asked her for her number before parting ways, and made it crystal clear that you were interested in going out on a date with her. If you were like many guys I know, you just said ciao and left her floating in the murky waters of ambiguity, stress, and uncertainty. Why would a guy do that, especially when he actually liked the gal?

Perhaps he’s not sure that she’s interested in him? But wait, didn’t she seem really friendly and open towards him when they met? There are two possibilities. The first, and most likely, is that she is interested in him, and is probably anxiously hoping that he will call. The second, is that she is just a really friendly and social person who likes to exercise her feminine flirtatiousness on any male that comes into her firing zone. These femme fatales are not that common, but they do exist, especially in our modern day big city single’s scene. They can make a guy feel like he’s their knight in shinning armor, only to make him want to fall on his sword when he tries to ask her out. There’s only one thing a guy can do when he’s not sure if the gal is actually interested: ask her out. Who cares if she says no? You followed the signals she radiated and did what you had to do as a Man. You should be proud of yourself. Now you can move on with confidence and vigor. If she says yes, which she probably will, you can take your victory lap and do a little dance in the end zone.

But maybe the guy is not really sure he’s interested in going out with her? But I thought he was? Well, yes, at the moment he was. Guys thrive on the chase, the hunt, the challenge of pursuing and capturing their prey. Nothing beats that adrenal rush. The problem is that these turbo, adrenaline charged sessions don’t last very long. Ever hear of the “one night stand”? Sometimes it lasts a few dates, weeks, even months. At some point, however, the rush fades and the guy must start thinking with his head and heart instead of with his hormones (more about this stuff in a future post). So what changed since that first, exciting, meeting? Probably nothing, except for something inside the guy’s head.

Let me take you through the guy’s post-meet thought process. First comes the micro analysis. Every minute aspect of the gal’s personality and physical appearance is placed under a microscope and examined. Even the slightest perceived flaw (in his opinion) is grounds for hesitation or outright dismissal. Too skinny, too big, too witty, too dry, too talkative, too quiet, too blond, too dark, red head, too spiritual, too ambitious, the list of seemingly irrelevant deal breakers is as long as a single guy’s hyperactive imagination. This analysis can take days, weeks, or longer. There are guys still analyzing the same gals for years, sometimes even after the gals have married! Anyone who has been in a serious, long term relationship (including marriage) knows how futile this hair splitting analysis truly is (more on this in future posts), but in the pro-dating world, it is very real and the cause of many guys never actually asking out gals that they once met and liked.

The last reason that I’ll mention now, for why a guy won’t call or for that matter, why a gal won’t accept, is somewhat unique to tight nit communities or social circles. Chances are good that both the guy and gal attend the same bars and events, travel in the same social circles, and shop at the same corner store. What happens if they agree to go out on a date, and it doesn’t work? How awkward will it be to have to see each other all the time? Better to maintain that friendly, relaxed, and unencumbered social “relationship” rather than take a chance at true love. I’ve explored this “Friend Zone” issue already so for now, I’ll just say this…take the chance. Don’t worry so much about the possible awkwardness. It usually never happens. If both people are respectful and sensitive, then there won’t be any awkwardness. And if there is some…isn’t it worth the risk for the chance to find true love?

To sum up, if you’ve been lucky enough to meet someone who laughs at your stupid jokes, thinks you’re cute, and can stand being around you, and you actually like her, don’t be afraid, stop analyzing, take a chance, and ask her out. You have nothing to lose, and happiness and love to gain.

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About the Author

Arnie Singer

Rabbi Arnie Singer is a dating and relationship coach in NYC and the founder of Jzoog.com , a dating and matchmaking site for Jewish singles. He is the author of From I to I Do: How to Meet, Date and Marry Your Mr. Right. Contact him at asinger@jcoach.com.


 
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