This posting is directed at the guys, but it can probably applied to the gals in many cases. Are you constantly getting rejected by the gals you want to date? Are lots of other gals interested in you, but you aren’t in them? Rest assured that you’re not the only guy to have this dilemma, if that makes you feel any better. I’d like to help you solve this problem, but first we need to understand why it’s happening.
Ok, it’s clear that the gals saying no to you are just not interested in who you are or what you have to offer as their potential soulmate. There could be lots of factors that are causing them to pass on you: basic physical attraction, fundamental religious differences, extremely different personalities or interests, or different life goals. Some of these things are changeable. Others aren’t.
There isn’t much you can do about your basic physical characteristics, like height or facial structure. You can, however, change your weight, muscle tone, and the way you dress. For example, if you’re striking out with the hot aerobics instructor at your gym, you should probably consider applying for a spot on The Biggest Loser and get to work. The reality is that even if you do temporarily get yourself into shape, unless you transform your long term outlook regarding health and fitness and make permanent changes in your lifestyle, you still won’t be the right guy for her. You might fool her for a while, but eventually the real couch potato in you will emerge and your relationship will go flabbier than your stomach.
I’ve written about caring for your appearance before, so I won’t repeat myself too much here. The old adage says, “clothes make the man”. The way you look will have a lot to do with how you are judged, at least initially, by the gals (and the guys) you meet. You might be getting rejected based on your “look”. If that’s the case, the ball’s in your court. Do what you need to do.
A guy I met with recently complained that several Modern Orthodox gals were rejecting him and he just couldn’t understand why. It turns out that he’s not Orthodox. So why would he ever think that Orthodox gals would want to date him? If they want to continue being Orthodox and raise a family based on these beliefs, then they’d be stupid to date someone who isn’t. No ifs or buts about it. I don’t care if you say you’re open to greater religious observance or that you could see yourself being more religious in the future. If you’re not observant NOW, don’t date religious women (and vice versa for gals dating guys).
Regarding personality and interests, there are different theories. Some say that you don’t need to share common interests to have a successful marriage. I agree that you don’t need to have the same exact interests, and you certainly don’t need to have the same exact personality traits. Having said that, the reality is that people are attracted to people who they feel they can share with.
Everyone wants to be understood. They want someone to whom they can bare their souls and share their innermost feelings and desires. The assumption is that they won’t be able to that with someone who they share nothing in common with. For example, a woman who is an artist or musician will more likely be attracted to someone who has an artistic or creative tendency. That doesn’t mean that the guy has to be a professional artist or musician, just that he has to have that creativity or artistic appreciation within him.
A guy who I’m working with brought me a list of women he was interested in. I knew many of the women on his list and they were all artists, musicians, or writers. The guy is a nice, normal, good looking fellow with a good job who enjoys sports and travel. He’s wondering why none of the gals are interested in him. What do you think? In my opinion, if he wants to date artistic/creative women, he’s got to show them that he’s got what it takes to understand and share with them. He might have what it takes. If he does, he’s not showing it. All they’re seeing is a nice guy who’ll never understand them. Can he change to make himself attractive to them? Only if he really is that creative/artistic guy. Otherwise, he’s setting himself, and the gal, up for a big and painful letdown when the truth finally comes out…and it will. This is just my personal opinion, and I might be wrong.
The solution: figure out who you are, be yourself, and aim for women who appreciate you for who you really are. That means you might have to adjust your targeting mechanism and aim for women that fit into your compatibility zone. Stop chasing after women that are out of range. You’ll save a lot of time and pain.
If you still can’t figure out why your getting so many rejections, here’s what I suggest you do. Find a friend of the opposite sex that fits into the category of people that are rejecting you and ask her/him to give you a totally honest and direct evaluation of how you’re being viewed as a potential date. Beg them to be brutally honest. It might be really hard for you to hear, but you should thank them for the truths that they tell you and make your adjustments and plan your strategy accordingly.
If you have a friend who you think might benefit from reading this post, please share it with them.
Keep reading jcoach.com for more dating advice and relationship advice, and please contact me if you’d like personal coaching or advice.